i feel as if i've lost my compass in life. all my plans, everything i've worked towards suddenly collapse and disappear.
my exams used to be an avenue for me to test myself and ensure i'm on par with the rest, hoping to be the cream of the crop and at least secure a future for us.

people tell me, education is important as it helps to guarantee my future. well, i dont want a future. i want a future for us. i don't regard myself as a singularity.
i have no idea it would come to this, never did it ever occur to me.
i thought we would last through thick and thin, hot and cold, up and down, in and out.

sigh, i don't know how to express how i feel.
my heart beats damn fast everyday, every second. the only thought in my mind is the times we spent together, and the many more we would spend. i know the A's has been tough on us. so as it would be for anyone, but its toll has been amplified because of the distance we have. however, the love i have would go to the ends of the Earth for you.
as i said during our early months together, i still hold to my words. i would go to the ends of the world for you - now and forever more.

what hurts me most is how a single guy, whom you've never talked to or at least know, sweeps you off your feet so easily. is our 29months and 15days (23 today) together worth that little, that insignificant. do i mean that little to you? sigh, my hear is torn to piecesss. bits and pieces which are now so worthless that the string theory wouldn't even bother to take them into consideration. ):

i really wish you could come back, hold my hand, feel my arms around you, feel your hear rest gently on my shoulder and i'll peck you cheeks and kisses and squeeze you tightly, never wanting to let you go.

life feels so empty, there's a void in my now, which i don't know if you're gonna fill it or leave it be. i don't want to pressurize you into making any decisions. i sometimes really detest how you make decisions because of opinions or because of what your friends say. i want the decisions you make to come FROM you, from your heart and with an unwavering grounding in its choice and understanding. where once a decision is made, no matter how confused you are, you can still look forward and know what you want, who you want.

though each passing day, waiting your decision is as if i'm awaiting the reaper to come and take me away. the uncertainty it brings forth is really really heart wrenching. i just pray and hope that you remember the times we spent together. i really really do hope you remember them. feel the surreal emotions it invokes, the goosebumps it causes as it did for me.
everyday i come home, look at the portrait and smile to myself knowing, at the end of the day, after the tough times, i can look forward to my one and only.
whom i always feel so happy and contented with.

but i understand there are times where we feel as if we want more. we want more, we want someone who looks better, is richer, is there, is whatever. true, everyone feels that way. i really do understand and empathize with those. but i've come to a point where i've learnt to be contented with what i have. i've learnt to treasure the things around me. though there are times when i feel i could have more or want more. i don't, cos i know i'm happy with you and that is all that matters to me - me being happy with you!

during my chemistry exam today, i have no idea how the hell did i manage to do so fast and seem to be a page ahead of my friend sitting beside me. i kept checking and wondering if i left out a question. it seems really weird, how did i do that fast when i was constantly thinking about you. at times putting my head down and wondering how did we come to such a point where our love is so easily forgotten? ):